Moving on.

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Over the past few years I’ve been going through some really hard times. I wrote some poems during this time, and before I move on from them and continue on life’s journey I’d like to take a minute to reflect on how I felt then, and how different I have the power to feel  now.

Maya.

 I remember when you were mine and I was yours

Before the hurtful words and the slamming doors

I remember the candy-floss and the Ferris wheel

Before your heart told you not to feel

For anything, not for you and not for me

And so we lost the comfort of our loving harmony

But hush now, the time has passed

To speak the words that could make us last

Through the hardships and the pain

I know I won’t see you again

The fairground rides, the lights that shone

I don’t know why or where our love has gone

It left us swiftly, flew far away

To mock the memory of our glory days

Do you remember the sounds of the crowds

That hid our fears and shrouded our doubts

As we held hands, fingers clasped tight

The smell of dying love was strong that night

But yet on we clung, to the hope of better things

Even though you’d shattered my dreams and clipped my wings

So I could not fly, escape the fear, the lust

That crushed our souls and killed our trust

In each other, ourselves and all around

It’s funny how silence is the loudest sound

That fills our heads and ears with sorrow

You were my today but you’re not my tomorrow

I’ve left you behind and I’m moving on up

When it came to last chances you ran out of luck

With me and with her, she was not yours to take

Everyone must pay for the choices they make

Now as I sift through these memories I’m cold to the core

I remember it all but you don’t anymore

I’ve never understood how you could so easily forget

I’m sorry I was just another girl for you to regret

But the regret is all mine, don’t you worry my friend

The wounds you caused are well on the mend

I’ve fixed them up tightly with tape and with gauze

And filed away the pain with tumultuous applause

From my friends and my family who never approved

Of our love and our loss and the things they ensued

Although I regret you, I don’t regret her

For she is the epitome of what we were

When we were as one, alive and free

Before the tragedy happened and you meant nothing to me

I may be unsure of every detail and fact

But the day I lost her I made the pact

In my heart, my soul and in my mind

That she would be the thing I would one day find

With or without you, with your lies and your greed

I will make up for my mistakes and be redeemed

Be the person I should have been during that time

And only then can I feel at peace and call her mine

So when you’re standing under the fairground lights tonight

Ask yourself this: without her, without us, will they ever shine as bright?

Small Bump.

You were a bump the size of an apricot

Barely a dot on the map of life

But to me you were the apple of my eye.

You will never know just how much I miss the thought

Of you being mine, and of holding you tight.

I know you probably think that I have a heart of stone

And that you were nothing more than an inconvenience to me

But I want you to know that you were my hopes,my dreams, you were the reason I wasn’t alone.

Without you inside of me I’m as empty as a shell

That walks and talks on command but feels nothing at all.

Even when smiling, it doesn’t quite reach my eyes

How could it little baby, when I was the reason you died?

Dad.

Five names, tattooed on your back

The only two you still see are the ones of no relation

Where’s the sense in that?

What’s the use of letters when words don’t mean a thing

The promises you made were all lies

I was so young when you clipped my wings

Now I can’t fly up, up and away

Escape the ghost of your memory

I’m haunted by you everyday

If you could see me now, would you tell me you were proud?

I wish I could say the same

But I can’t seem to make a sound

I know that if I did, you wouldn’t hear me

Even when I was right in front of your eyes

I could never make you see

Now the void of your absence is like a wound

That can never be fully healed

You never heard my pleas as you left too soon

I can’t even summon the hope to call you my father

When all that you’ve been since I was four years old

Is my relentless antagoniser

Always stopping me from getting to what I need

Which ultimately daddy, was you

Now from this endless cycle of hate and regret, I cannot be set free

So do you feel guilty, should you apologise?

No, I wouldn’t expect that of you

The little man with no love behind your eyes

Eyes so similar to mine, a part of you I cannot disguise

Despite that fact that three years ago in November, you cut off all ties

I know you can’t see this, as you’re too far away

But if you could I really hope

That it would fuck up your day.

                                                                                                                                                                   

My Superman.

 What do I do now that you’re gone?

Since you left the pedestal I put you on

When you took away all that you felt

 The cards of broken hearts were dealt

I said this world was yours and mine

So I can’t see you leave if I close my eyes

For I refuse to accept your words

Meaningless sounds trying to ease the hurt

How can you say this is easy?

When without you I can’t see clearly

How can you sabotage everything we planned

When the footprints we imprinted in the sand

Will stay with me forever

Just like your smile, your heart, my Superman

The silence of your absence cuts like a blade

As I take in the destruction your choices made

When you said it was never meant to be

I lost the light I used to see

Now that your eyes have turned cold

And your hand is not mine to hold

Where is your heart, our footprints in the sand?

They’re gone, lost, like you my Superman.

Generic Love Poem.

 Where does love go when it is no longer there?

When all that’s left are broken hearts and a sombre stare?

Why can’t we find it when it’s all we need?

When our days and lives are filled with hate and greed

Why do some people have more when others have none?

Those who suffer most when their lives have just begun

If they’re born into a home with no love and no hope

How can their lives be anything other than a downwards slope?

If there is more than enough love to share and go around

Why do others suffer without making a sound?

Carry on living without the need of love

And try to get their needs met by a man up high above

Who may or may not exist, through stories that are told

Passed down through generations, so people sell their souls

To the hope of finding love, from an unseen entity

What good is that, for our lives and our mentality?

If the only way to find love, truth and a wish upon a star

Is to create someone invisible to tell us who we are

So if love is all around, and it is all we desire

Let us share enough with others to build an empire

Make up for all the losses, that our lives cause us to suffer

And spend each day and night giving love to each other.

Crush.

 The lights are fading and the sun is going down

The revellers are getting ready to leave this town

All around me is the scent of your skin and the taste of your smile

I’m plucking up the courage to ask you to stay for a while

For the past few days you’ve been filling my head

With the sound of your laughter and the words you said

I’ve been trying to figure out what it all means

When you make me stutter and blush like a pre-teen

I wish that I could discover what it feels like in your arms

But I’m trying to build a wall between your eyes and your charms

So I don’t want to fall too quickly under your spell

If your feelings for me are too unclear to tell

So until the sun comes up to greet the town again

I’ll spend my time drunk on you, my wish, my hope, my friend.

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