Time continues to tick by, drip by drip, segment by segment, smile by teardrop. I know that my time is coming, the time when I must evolve and embrace whoever this scared young woman will become. The feeling that coexists with the knowledge of the unknown that faces me is one of terror, excitement and regret.
Regret. Such a tangible word; it encapsulates a hurricane of feelings so intense it can make you physically sick. Such a weight that anchors you, a cross to bear. Fills your mind and sight with swirling orbs that pulse and shift in colour like the tide. Blue.
Blue like the ocean.
Blue like the sky.
Blue like your eyes.
You never knew, I never told you.
You were mine for almost two years and I never told you.
I was so wrapped up in the ones that had caused my scars I never noticed you applying the ointment that would heal them. Patiently, so patiently you waited. Hoping that I might wake up and notice. I was always searching for something, for someone more.
You were so sweet like honey but it tasted bitter in my mouth; my inner turmoil turned the goodness sour. Now I am parched in the drought you left when I said the final goodbye.
I was so used to having to fight for my right to feel and have something felt for me that when it was right there, it didn’t feel right. It wasn’t comfortable because I’d never had it like that. I’d never not had to work for something, for someone. Nobody had ever just been there because they wanted to. And so you became a casualty in the war against myself; you got caught in the crossfire of my own self-hatred and doubt. I treated you the way I had always been treated because that was my twisted version of security. I was so wrapped up in everyone else around me that I never noticed us. We were all that mattered, and I never figured that out. You were my safety, my love, my port in the storm. You gave me everything I wanted, you gave me your heart but I was too stubborn to take it and accept it as real; instead I accused you of being stifling and struggled to escape the bonds I imagined held me. I never knew that one day I’d be crying for the loss of those things I called chains. You weren’t perfect, Hell nobody is. But now I’m sat here finally seeing clearly that you were the closest thing to an angel I’ve ever known. I just didn’t notice because you weren’t the angel I was expecting.
Now all I do is wait for you to come for me again.
I wish I’d been alive enough to see before that you always had. You always chose me.
I wish I could choose you.
But now you’re someone else’s guiding light. Someone else’s comfort. Someone else’s joy. Someone else’s pride. Someone else’s trust.
Someone else’s love.
I love you, still. The only one. The only time. How I wish I’d known. Known that only with you could I breathe evenly. Only you.
My best friend, my lover, my hope, my loss.
Regret. It’s in every one of my heartbeats. The weight that anchors me, my cross to bear. I carry you around with me like a secret clutched inside my fist, I can feel you, still. In my heart you are mine. I set you free because I loved you too much to carry on hurting you. Now without you, I’m just hurting.
I can’t imagine my life without our breathless moments breaking me down.
Love. Received. Abused. Discarded. Unrequited. Lost.