I feel overwhelmingly like I don’t have permission to be feeling sad, or to even add my voice to the overwhelming chorus of your friends who are mourning your absence. But, here I am.
I made a dedication to Jacob and now, as much as I wish I didn’t have to; that the air was still filling your lungs and your heart was still beating, I feel that it is only right to do the same for you.
I know that I haven’t spoken to you in over 7 years. I know that even when we did speak, it wasn’t like we were lifelong friends. I know that my memories of you are sparse, and that the ones I do have aren’t all positive ones. Despite these facts, your death still haunts me.
Is it because of the nature of it? The hopeless, helpless, all-consuming feeling of sadness that overcomes me when I imagine what must have been going through your head in those final moments? That you felt even the slightest pull to make that choice…I was about to say I can’t imagine being in that position, but I can. I have been there before, and I am grateful daily that I had people around me to pull me back from the abyss. I am just so, so, sorry that you perhaps didn’t have that. As I say; I did not know you, have not known you, for a long time. Maybe you did have those people around you, and despite that, the final choice was still inevitable. I won’t spend time dwelling on ‘what if’s’ and ‘if only’s’ because that is not my place, that is the plaguing, tormenting place of your real friends and your family, and I wish them all of the love and courage in the world in finding peace within that place.
I truly and sincerely mean it when I say that I hope that you have found peace and contentment from your inner turmoil, wherever you are now. My heart aches when I think of the essence of how you took your final breaths. The desperation, the physical and mental pain, the body fighting against the mind’s decision even as and if you willed it not to. I’m so sorry; over and over I will repeat it: I am sorry.
You were laughing, joyful
Ever so slightly spiteful
Reckless, hell-bent on chaos
You lived and breathed your own ethos
Converting those around you to your rebellious state of mind
You tried to convince me otherwise but I knew that you were kind
You forgot that I’d known you since we were kids
And that I’d forgive you, no matter what you did
The image I have of you, that reckless, cheeky boy
You were unique, charismatic; the real mccoy
That time in mathematics, when you told me the story
The one of your broken foot, and your shattered glory
You told me you weren’t afraid of danger in any form
No, not you, never the one to conform
To the expectations of your fellow men,
I don’t know you now, but I knew you then
And I miss the rare moments of clarity
When the mask came off and I glimpsed your sincerity
I’m glad at one point I could call you a friend
And I’ll be sorry forever that you had to transcend
Away from your life, your heart, this earth
And that, perhaps, you did not know your worth
So this is a way for me to say goodbye
To the boy I once knew, who was one of a kind.
Rest in peace, Tim.