My confidence-boosting, ever-smiling, beautiful and courageous confidante.
The one who made me believe in the grace of God, even when I didn’t want to, just by being you.
The one who taught me many lessons about life and happiness and true friendship when I was that shy and very broken version of myself.
The one I hadn’t spoken to in a number of years, but thought of fondly, and often.
The one who died, and has haunted me since.
Oh how I wish I had continued knowing you. There will be no other like you.
I dream of you often.
I don’t know if it’s you trying to tell me something in my dreams, trying to help me unravel the mystery of your death.
Maybe I’ll never know. Maybe it wouldn’t help me to know. Maybe I don’t deserve to know.
I hope with all of my aching heart that you are now somewhere feeling peace and happiness; that even if after all of our time together in and out of that Church in Brighton; laughing, singing and believing together, if God isn’t real; I hope you’re safe.
If he is real, perhaps he thought you too good for this earth; perhaps he believed you needed to be immortalised through this tragedy. Oh how I hope that is true, even if it is still not justified. Your death is and will always be unforgivable, incomprehensible. If he is there beside you now, I hope he begs for your forgiveness for taking you from this earth, like it was his choice, like that would ever, could ever, be the right choice. If anyone deserved to live a mortal life here, rich with happiness, warmth and love, touching the lives of others in ways you never knew, it was you. How dare he take you away from here, from us; extinguish your burning flame. How dare he.
I hope you know how much people cared about you; how much I did…oh how I did. I’m so, so, sorry that we lost touch. I always will be; how I regret it.
I see you in my mind’s eye hanging upside down off of the edge of that sofa, your legs in the air, laughing as you were on the phone to your crush. Showing me how to apply my makeup to hide the parts of my face I didn’t like. Reminding me every day that I was worthy of love and happiness, and that I would find it one day.
You never knew that I had already found it with you. I never told you.
Now, in the face of this and the others that I have lost, I am truly trying to embrace the beauty in everyday, and face adversity and tragedy with hope and courage, as I know you would have done. I hope I’m succeeding. I hope, if you ever see me, that you are proud, and that you forgive me for not always making sure that you were a part of my life.
You were so important to me for such a long time. You were my beacon of light, of hope, my port in the storm.
I’m trying to find the beauty amongst the pain.
Know this: your light will never be extinguished, your smile and your contagious, infectious, dancing, wonderful spirit, will forever be imprinted in my mind and my heart.
Rest in peace, dear Maria.